Pre-weekend update

Zoloft apparently works. At least, sort of. Over the past week and a half, my obvious and oppressive depression has morphed into a much more manageable and understandable anxiety. Sometimes it's still overwhelming, most usually first thing in the morning. But especially with TheBoy going back to school next week -- after two weeks at home, including a few days when I've been home alone for several hours with both kids -- I'm starting to find more and more moments each day during which I think, "I've got this under control."

Control seems to be what all my angst is about, which will not shock anyone who knows me very well. Having a baby around the house feels ... like a complete loss of the ability to manage my time. I still, to a shrinking extent, feel like my life is dictated by her schedule. We can't go anywhere in case she wants to eat. If she's sleeping, I can't start a project in case she wakes up. I know babies cry, and yet the prospect of her spending a few minutes complaining strikes terror in my heart. But as I said, it's getting better -- whether that's the drugs or just the confidence that comes with time, I dunno.

Here's what I do know: Stay-at-home moms, particularly those with more than one kid in tow, are saintly. I could not do this full time for longer than the three months or so I'm taking off. There's the lack of intellectual stimulation. The frequent calls of, 'Play with me,' by a child I know is perfectly capable of playing by himself. The panic attacks that set in when I realize that, while #1 wants my undivided attention, #2 would like to stick my nipple in her mouth. And I'm not yet capable, either emotionally or physically, of giving them both what they need at the same time.

Things I am grateful for these days: Anti-depressants, lactation consultants, breastfeeding pillows and the nice folks at the county library, who opted not to make me pay an embarrassing amount in late fees today. Did I use the baby excuse for why that stack of books was a week late? What do you think?