kicking myself over kicking back
When I was in school, I dreamed of the day when I'd have a job I could leave behind at the end of the work day. I always hated the feeling of papers and tests looming on the horizon. There was always some form of studying I could (should) be doing, and I never felt like my free time was my own.
Then I had a job, but as a journalist, I never felt I could leave the work behind when I left the office. The only way to get ahead was to put in extra time off the clock, researching story ideas or working on some special project that would get some notice. Again, my free time was not my own.
Now I don't have a job, and even though I still have dreams that I have to take a test for which I've had an entire semester to study and yet have not cracked a book, I do not have homework. Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of free time either. I thought I would, what with the little man in school three mornings a week, but those hours have been eaten up by errands and house projects, (shopping for groceries, trips to the pharmacy, tiling the bathroom, etc.)
The other day, I was waiting for the paint to dry on the molding in the new bathroom before I could put on a second coat. The groceries were put away; the laundry was in the dryer; dinner was ready to be popped into the oven when AR got home, and I had finished the fall pruning in the garden. The Boy was napping, and I had at least an hour, if not two, of free time all my own.
I freaked.
I did not know what to do with myself, so in a neurotic fit I reorganized the bathroom drawers and rearranged the medicine cabinet. Alphabetically. That night I chided myself for being such a spaz and wasting my precious leisure time, which will be nothing but a dream once I start working again.
On Friday, I had another couple hours to myself, but this time I was prepared. I had a plan. Once The Boy was down for his nap, I curled up on the couch with my new library book, read two and a half pages and fell asleep. That night I chided myself for wasting the day. I was uncomfortable with my lack of productivity. I could have caught up on emails or put old photos in albums or started learning Chinese!
Am I constitutionally unable to relax, or have I just forgotten how?
posted by judybat at 2:53 PM
5 Comments:
Dearest Judith -- Check your mailbox for the HowToRelax Restoration Kit that I've sent to you. You probably haven't had your five-year booster shot.
I would laugh at this but I would then need to realize that the need to constantly be doing something is why you went to an Ivy League school, and my need to never be doing anything is why I did (do) so much less.
damn you self-motivated high-strung over-achievers!
1. I've always thought of myself as an underacheiver, but I guess that's because I hang out with people like your sister. It's all relative.
2. I'll trade contentment for achievement any day, but I don't think I have either.
3. Clearly, I need to be doing more yoga.
just don't get yourself too bent out of shape
/bu-dump ching
I think you've pinpointed a Huge Problem in our culture - the inablility to differentiate between being busy and actually doing something. If you figure out how to break free of this paradigm, please let me know! (I actually do feel that a little yoga might be the key...)
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