Your people are my people
It's nice to be the one with the sane family for a change. The craziest thing happening with my people these days is my grandfather refusing to die even though his 99-year-old body has said enough already. (Looks like he might be going home without ventilator - you go, Grandpa.)
My people tend to rant and rave while AnnaRay's go politely about their business. It turns out, however, that beneath the surface, they're just as screwed up as we are.
Watching her family slog through this latest upheaval makes me feel like a royal watching from a hill while the soldiers fight it out on the battleground below. I can see everything up here, and they can barely see what's in front of their faces for all the smoke. I don't mean to sound haughty, but I'm finally reaping some benefit from growing up amidst flagrant neurosis: it's so familiar I know exactly how to deal with it.
A bunch of years ago, AR and I went through a rough patch. We were fighting a lot and nearly broke up because that was what AR thought couples do when they fight a lot. I guess that comes from being a child of divorce(s). Fortunately, I come from a family where fighting is what we do. Breaking up never enters the picture.
AR's mom wants everybody to be alright with everything RIGHT NOW. I told her everything will be all right, but it's going to take time. She says she doesn't have time. I worry that maybe she has a brain tumor and we've got to deal with that on top of everything else, but she starts talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. She fears bad feelings and awkwardness will tear her family apart. I say, what's a family get together without bad feelings and awkwardness?
My sister once threatened me with a knife. My father tends to fly into fits and say horrid and hurtful things that he doesn't even remember the next day. My mother tells me that when I was in high school, I would visibly cringe if she tried to touch me. We can be horrible to each other, but that doesn't mean we won't be home for the holidays.
Here's the thing: family relationships are messy. We did not chose to be with these people; they just pop up in our gene pool and there's nothing to do about it but swim alongside them.
posted by judybat at 4:54 PM
18 Comments:
A damnably awesome post -- thank you. Now, though, do I get to claim "specialness" because my family was equal parts AR's and JB's? Fighting while believing we're not fighting?
Lovey to you,
Yeah, you know.. when you find out the need for the RIGHT NOW, can you let me know what it is? I've been thinking about it recently and if she's pregnant, dying, or turning in to a pumpkin at the stroke of December, I can understand the urgency. Given that none of those are all that likely, and given the genetic longevity our family seems to enjoy, it just seems to me that if you want to construct a building, you don't make the braces out of elmer's, even if it does set quicker than concrete.
Such wise words from the young cynicali. Except for the part about your mom being pregnant. That's just weird, dude.
I like fighting while believing you're not fighting. I thought I knew all the ways a family can be weird, but there's really no end to it, is there?
"We were fighting a lot and nearly broke up because that was what AR thought couples do when they fight a lot. I guess that comes from being a child of divorce(s). "
Yeah, one or two people I love are like that. Whereas my family is more like yours. It's a bit unnerving being the youngest, because a lot went on before I was born that I'm only finding out about now (two weeks ago one of my sisters said to me "Oh, until I was about 15 I HATED Dad."!!)
Of course, having the Ethan-Frome-ish Yankee roots, there's also the "...and no one forgets anything anyone else ever said, and even if it's all OK now, twenty years from now when there's another fight that thing you said yesterday will get brought up" part.
Every family is dysfunctional in its own weird, unique way. That's the bottom line. We should revel in it. Otherwise, what would we talk about?
I think, cynicali and Judybat, you're trying a little too hard to understand why Mom feels such urgency.
As far as I can tell, it's pretty simple: She's happy. She wants us to be happy. She wants to avoid a long, protracted period of emotional awkwardness.
I can appreciate that, even if I don't think it's realistic. We're WASPs. Avoiding conflict -- or even the hint that there could be conflict at some point or was conflict in the past -- comes with the pale, repressed territory.
Wherein I agree that long periods of awkwardness certainly can be emotionally taxing, they also can be the byproduct of an an honesty that if unhinged could lead to a degenerative state of apathy that is the antithesis of the relationship that is currently yearned for.
All I'm sayin is that if we trust one another to recognize that all of us are good people who want our family to be happy, then the desired outcome is nothing if not likely.
Truth be told, this whole thing could be ended with a night spent in a black lit room, a little bob marley, and whole bunch of dorritos. (and JudyBat, you thought my pregnancy quip was weird!)
Once again, we're WASPs. Forget the black lit room and roll in the vat of white wine.
Okokok, how about a keg of some local microbrew. None of us is a sommelier and beer is closer to where we come from anyway.
my dear judybat-- looks like we're from the same fam damily! :) Here's the way the same mix-of-family-dynamics plays out with my dear spouse and me.
ME: can you bring me a glass of water?
HE: why are you shouting?
ME: ?
There's a reaaaaaaaaaaaly different definition of shouting in folks with New York heritage and folks with Iowan heritage, turns out.
If you're talking, you're shouting.
Shhhhhh.
I have refrained from participating in these discussions in spite of how tempting it has been at times. I can no longer do so. Let me introduce myself. My name is Blog Fodder (BF for short). I am closely related to cynicali, am living with Anonymous, formerly lived with AR and am about to meet JudyBat and TheBoy. Somewhat apprehensive about this meeting, I now realize that the more serious concern should be about Monday morning’s blog.
We're a tough crowd.
But not really.
Dear Blog Fodder:
The only reasons to fear Monday's posting are as follows:
1) StinkyPee bites someone over the weekend. Always a possibility, something we try to avoid. Definitely not something we encourage, regardless of the circumstances.
2) TheBoy bites someone. Again, always a possibility. But he bites with love, so it's OK. As long as you have had all your shots updated recently. (The best moment in my most recent doctor's appointment, which included that always pleasant chest-area exam, involved me explaining how I got that nasty purple welt in a place you should only get bit if you're actually breast feeding your child.)
3) I get stuck with the bill Saturday night. Even at 32, the child never pays.
4) The Yankees lose tonight, Saturday and Sunday. In that case, there might be cursing. But it won't be directed at you.
In other words, no one should have any fear. Here in the Rose City, the happy Buddha is smiling, the Subarus are running nicely, the sun is shining but not too brightly, my iPod is fully charged, itunes Podcasting has changed my life, my calves are developing nicely, and generally, we're all adults.
Well, all except for TheBoy. But he's working on it.
BlogFodder or rather, BF as it appears you prefer to be called, I would like to welcome you to a board that I have nothing to do with and don't maintain. It's nice here. The weather always leaves you a gorgeous shade of Bill Gates green and the posters all judge, but only as far as we are willing to judge ourselves.
So what is it then? Blacklit room, vat of wine, or keg of the microbrew? As long as it's one of the three, i guarantee everyone goes home, well, confused!
You guys almost broke up? That, sorry to say, is comforting to me somehow. Sorry if that seems weird.
That doesn't seem weird at all. Relationships can be, as you know TT, very, very hard. Even the ones that last.
I really like the bit about "swimming alongside those who pop up in your gene pool." That is great imagery. Sometimes those floaty wing-thingys would be helpful for me.
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