You bastard!

Inspired by the craptasticness that was Revenge of the Sith, we just finished making our way back through the original three Star Wars movies. (Would those be the Star Wars? The Star Warsi? The Star Warses?)

Having seen Return of the Jedi when it came out in remastered form a few years ago, we were prepared for the little bits of Lucas ego/technological obsessiveness added here and there -- the all new and completely unnecessary dance scene in Jabba's palace, the added Banthas on the sand dunes of Tatooine, the actually much better ending featuring scenes from cities across the galaxy, rather than the Ewok yub-yub song that still gets in my head and won't leave without substantial aid from alcohol or bad radio pop.

But have you seen the movie on DVD? Because there's been one last little tinker. Remember the scene at the very end, when Luke is looking out into the night and he sees Yoda and Ben, and then his father appears next to them? Well, in the new-and-improved theatrical release a few years ago, Yoda and Ben are joined by the same actor who plays Darth sans mask. But in the additionally screwed with DVD version?

The hack formerly known as George Lucas stuck in Hayden Freaking Christensen.

It wasn't enough that he had to make three really lousy movies with wooden acting, hilariously bad dialogue and plots that were for the most part impossible to follow without some sort of Excel spreadsheet cast of characters and their political affiliation. (Hey, I've got an idea: Let's write some movies that are as complicated as Dune, and nowhere near as interesting!) Now, thanks to the latest Lucasfilm technology, he can infect the three true originals with the stink of the "originals." Just when I'd gotten over the notion that Darth Vader was actually a whiny kid who can't act and that Luke and Leia came out of Natalie Portman, whose character died because -- cough, cough -- "she'd lost the will to live." Thanks A LOT, George.

I'm going off in search of the SouthPark episode where the boys try to break into the Lucas ranch to save Lucas and Spielberg from themselves. Kenny dies along the way, of course, but he goes serving the greater good. So it's OK in the end. Unlike this. Blech. Now I wish the Emperor had won.