Help me out here, fellas

You can chalk one up to the hate-mongering social conservatives - I have encountered a parenting situation in which I must admit it would be helpful to have a daddy in the house.

After frolicking in a fountain one sunny morning, I was changing The Boy into dry clothes when he informed me he had to pee. There was no public bathroom around, and I didn't want to tell him it was ok to pee in his diaper, since that's just the sort of behavior we're trying to discourage with the whole potty training endeavor, so I walked him over to a tree that was more or less out of the way, because, yeah, peeing in public is exactly the sort of behavior we want to encourage.

Reservations about leading The Boy on to his first illicit act aside, I was kind of excited, because he would have to pee standing up for the first time, and that seemed like some sort of milestone. (Have I mentioned in this blog that I need to get a job?) It seems, however, that this is not an innate behavior. After the first little squirt landed on his feet, I realized some instruction was required, but I was not sure how to proceed. His Uncle Julian is supposed to advise The Boy on such matters, but Uncle Julian was far, far away in a land called Pasadena.

"You have to hold it," I told him, but he seemed reluctant to grab onto his penis mid-stream. I wanted to point it myself at the tree, but isn't your mom holding your penis while you pee the sort of thing that can cause long-term psychological damage? In the end, he sort of bent his knees and thrust his pelvis out to make a nice pale yellow arc that landed in the grass.

So I ask you, dear readers with the male plumbing parts, have you any advice, a lesson plan, perhaps, on how to teach The Boy this particular skill? I'm just looking for the basics; I'm sure one of his uncles will be around when he's ready for the A.P. class on how to write his name in the snow. The Boy is eager to learn. He spent the rest of the day asking if he could repeat the performance.

HIM: "Pee grass!"
ME: "Yes, you peed in the grass."
HIM: "Again? Pee grass?"
ME: "No, sweetie. We're not peeing in the grass right now.
HIM "Pee street?"
ME: "No, we don't pee in the street."
HIM: "Pee tree? Pee grass? Pee tree?"
ME: "How about you get the peeing in the potty thing down and then we can talk."